Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Spring will pass in less than 25 days. The spring of my 35th year. The spring of my 15th wedding anniversary. The spring of my father’s death.

Looking back over my entries I notice that they stopped soon after my father’s death and the only updates since have been more details on his death and a short note about a prior winter trip to Austria.

On my father

The first two months were very difficult. I was unable to make it longer than a couple of days without crying over my father’s death. This month there have been no tears but his death still hits me at unexpected moments. I’ll be in the car on the way to work and suddenly it occurs to me as if it were new information: my father is dead. Or I’ll be at the office in a meeting about to present and a voice inside reports with panic: my father is dead! I never know when it is going to bubble up and knock the wind out of me, but I’m learning how to deal with it. The guilt is fading (my mantra: I did my best to be a good daughter and where I failed him I have already asked God for forgiveness and it has been given to me. I will NOT continue to beat myself up) and the heavy sadness that sat on my chest for weeks is gone, so these sudden self-announcements that come hand in hand with a moment of panic are the only remnants of grief for me.

On my family

Jon and I passed our 15th wedding anniversary at Citronelle. It was lovely. We didn’t formally exchange presents this year as our trip to Bangkok (see below) was present enough for each other.

Jenna continues to hang on, elderly pup that she is – last summer I didn’t think she’d live to see this one so I’m happy to be proven wrong. Every season with her at her advanced age (15 this year) is a gift we treasure. Julia is as spoiled as ever and enjoys running multiple days of the week with Jon. She’s too rowdy to run with me and since he’s set her pace to omg_we_run_faster_than_a_speeding_bullet, she isn’t content to run at my pace any longer.

I’ve reconnected after many years with my older sister (Mom’s side) and so far so good. Positive sign: she doesn’t refer to me as her "half” sister and she doesn’t allude to my role in being born as stealing her parent as other siblings have done in the past.

On my fitness

I am a disgusting 10 pounds heavier than before the life-altering death of my father. GAH. I hate myself a little for this. I know that stress stimulates cortisol which leads to packing on the pounds but really this is ridiculous. I need to get back on track. I’ve gotten back in the groove with running (although my progress is slower than it was first time around) and have even signed up for a half marathon in August (perhaps a moment of insanity but I can walk sections of it if needed). One thing that has helped is that my best friend is also working a running program (c25k) and we’ve been able to run together here and there.

On my social network and travel

I jumped back into the social scene with both feet this spring. Restarted the meetup group (now the Beautiful Life), signed on to host a dinner party every Sunday, recruited a group of friends to conduct a bible study every week under my leadership, and started planning a lot more trips. On the calendar for the rest of the year so far: Iceland (this weekend), Maine, Tokyo, LA, Rome, San Francisco, Ohio, Seattle, Hawaii. Recent trips have included Bangkok, San Diego and a sailing day trip to Annapolis. I’ll be publishing trip reports on those destinations one of these days soon. (I still owe my publisher a trip report for Germany from last winter!) I’ve also been trying to carve out dedicated time to spend with each of my friends in rotation throughout the summer.

On my job

This is perhaps my upper end of the sandbag right now (I’ve always said it’s difficult to keep everything in my life going on the right track at once; it’s rather like a sandbag- you hold up one end and all the heavy sand falls to the other and that end slips out of your hands). I love my job; I love my management; I love my clients; I love the company I work for. I especially love all the opportunities for professional growth the company fosters. I had the chance to attend the SAS Global Forum in early April in Las Vegas as well as a training class for Senior Consultants at corp hdqrts last week. The networking, the training, the informational presentations and meetings- it’s all been fabulous. I feel so incredibly blessed to love each job that comes along exponentially more than the previous. CSC is a company I feel I could stay with for the rest of my career.

On things that are slipping

Keeping track of finances and keeping close after God’s will has been slipping a bit this quarter. My low end of the sandbags so to speak.

Post a Comment