Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Things My Father Taught Me in Childhood That I Still Hold Onto Inexplicably That Are Probably Not True

1. If you check the box on your license form to be an organ donor so that it shows up on your license or in the DMV database then if you are involved in a near fatal accident on the road, the responding EMT folks will deliberately move slowly and let you die so as to have use of your organs. Especially if you are ugly, fat, or dressed unfashionably. I still can't bring myself to be listed as an organ donor for this reason.

2. Unless you have a natural innate talent in a particular skill, all of the practicing and studying in the world is not going to really make a difference. Practice does not make perfect unless you're gifted in that area. So it's better and less frustrating to just focus in on things you seem to be naturally talented at and skip attempts at things that you don't seem to be good at from the get go. For this reason I never go back and try a second time at things I try once and suck at. I completely ignore the try try again philosophy even if at times I want to believe its worth it to get incrementally better in some area I don't have a natural gift in and look stupid along the way then just focusing on things I can feel good at. Sad really.

3. If you beat up the bully, no one will pick on you anymore that year. This works in school, in social situations, and at work. I have always been too scared of confrontation to put this "truth" of my father's to the test. But i secretly believe if I had the courage to do it, it just might work.

4. Makeup is designed for ugly people to hide their imperfections. No one needs blush unless they are unnaturally pale. Same thing with lipstick. For social acceptance, and because I think it makes me look better, I do wear makeup occasionally. But i have such self-loathing about it, because while applying the makeup and for the whole evening afterward I feel as though I am confessing to the world that I think I am ugly and need to fix my imperfections by the act of the application.

5. If you don't like classical music it is because you are not intelligent enough to grasp its beauty. I used to argue this point against my father for years, but secretly I believed he was right. Because he is my Dad and I hold his crazy opinions in high esteem.

6. Children who get mostly everything they want in life grow up to be very unhappy once they discover the real world doesn't work like that. This is what I tell myself when I don't get my way- self, you are protecting yourself from future agony and disappointment.

7. No matter what a man says about women's liberation, all men secretly want a woman who lets them be dominant and in charge. If you don't submit willingly to your man, he will eventually leave you or cheat on you with a woman who will make him feel powerful. This is especially true if you are not a good cook or lover so it is important to excel in both areas.

8. People can communicate telepathically with other people and animals if they have the gift. Our family has the gift. I secretly try to do so all the time, and I feel I have a greater than 60% success rate.

9. UFOS and aliens exist and the govt does secret research on them. So do demons. Possession occurs plenty of times on earth and sometimes disguises itself as mental illness. If you call a demon to go after someone and they fail, they will come back for you. When facing off against a demon and losing, it will look like you had a normal heart attack.

10. Children are too big of an investment emotionally, mentally, physically, etc and having them leads to a lifetime of regret. Better never to have children and save yourself from having to face the stress and disappointment that is inevitable.

11. Lightbulbs burn out faster from turning them on and off every time you leave the room then if you just let them keep burning all evening till bedtime.

12. Key religious principles should not be held up for a democratic vote as they are in protestant denominations. In this way, the Catholic church is superior.

13. Eating out of aluminum pans leads to Alzheimer. To this day I won't use aluminum cookware because I'm afraid it might be true.

14. Yelling signifies you've lost control of the argument. It's irrational and a sign of weakness of position and should be avoided at all costs. The non-yeller in the argument has the right to feel morally and intellectually superior to the yeller.

15. Being fat is a moral failure as well as a significant health risk.

16. Jewish people are better at financial management and making money then any other ethnic group in the world -something God gifted them with. This is 50% of why so many countries and people hate them- envy at their success.
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