Monday, June 1, 2009

Self-Discipline

I'm 33. I've been overweight all my life with the exception of one year in 4th grade when we moved from NY to NM and I spent my summer outdoors exercising and lost enough weight to be in normal girl clothes instead of 'husky'. (Gah how I hated husky). The first time I really remember tracking weight was in college. I was 185 then. I met my boyfriend (now hubby) and was so head over heels in love I couldn't eat much nor sleep and I lost enough weight to get down to 170 and a size 14. Stayed around there until moving back to NY when I was 21 and edged up to 200. About 6 years ago I edged up to 250 and a size 22 and stayed there for a couple years until I got the motivation to actively try to lose weight. (Before that I just wished a lot but never made any behavior changes).

 
 

My mom is diabetic - since she was 40- and never has followed the dietary guidelines. Therefore she suffers from neuropathy, has had toes removed, and all sorts of other horrific complications. I always told myself if I ever got diagnosed I wouldn't be crazy/reckless like her and I would follow the dietary guidelines. I kidded myself that I could eat whatever I wanted until I turned 40 at which time I suspected I'd get diagnosed like she did and then I'd start eating a restricted diet. Better to have 40 years of food joy and the rest of my life restricted then just be restricted my whole life to try to prevent diabetes was my crazy logic.

 
 

Only a kink came into my plan. January 2008 at the dr for my routine physical and my fasting blood sugar was 129. Doctor said if it was over 127 again within the year I would be officially diagnosed as diabetic. So i did what any procrastinating denialist would do. I simply avoided the dr at all costs lest she diagnose me and it be "real" and I have to change. This worked until Jan 2009 when I got pneumonia and *had* to go to the dr. Sure enough, fasting was 131 and my blood % test was in the diabetic range too. So she put me on the lowest dose of metformin (500 mg 1x day) and told me I really really need to get serious about weight loss and exercise now. She said that would be the most likely way to stop it from getting worse and to possibly eliminate the diagnosis/problem altogether if I lost enough weight.

 
 

I had gotten my weight down to 235 with exercise and controlling portions a bit (and got a lot of compliments along the way that I was looking thinner), but couldn't seem to get lower than 230-235. Then, when I got pneumonia in Jan I dropped to 220 in 4 days because of the fever/severe illness. I was actually thrilled to have lost so much so fast (everyone noticed I was getting thinner) and a bit sad when the weight started to come back as i recovered. I am now back at 233. :( But then again, I've not been strenuously working out since the pneumonia in Jan b/c i get frustrated that my lungs get weak after just a short stint of cardio. The dr tells me it could take a year before my lungs are at full capacity again and just to work hard but not push my lungs too far. I've wimped out and haven't been consistently doing weight training either this spring.

 
 

The dr told me I did not need to get a meter and take my sugar everyday or anything like that yet since I wasn't seriously diabetic, but I knew in the back of my mind I should really start paying attention to my sugar levels. I just put it off because, like always, i can pretend there isn't a problem. That ended this week. i got a meter and started testing. oh my god. I started testing on sat. I am consistently 125-140 fasting and I *was* 170-225 just after eating, and sometimes still 2 hours after eating. I did the research and found out that is way way too high. Crap. Now i had to acknowledge the facts and start making changes. I was mad though because I really thought i wouldn't have to face all this till my 40s. I started making changes to my diet immediately and the numbers went down immediately. Now I'm 125-135 fasting and 135-160 after eating. Not great, but getting better - a small victory to spur me on. Sunday I had a dinner party with friends and they brought mashed potatoes. I didn't want to resist. 190 after eating! Bye bye mashed potatoes I guess except maybe a splurge 1x a year at thanksgiving. boo. :( I can't be the only one who finds that pretty much all my favorite foods are the diabetic no-nos can I? Why can't I be a spinach addict or something instead of a potato, baked beans, sour candy straw, creme brulee, bread pudding, mac and cheese addict? I'm so frustrated with my addiction to sugar. And I definitely feel like its an addiction complete with withdrawal symptoms.

 
 

I've also immediately stepped it up and added 2 daily 20 minute [1 mile] walks around my neighborhood- once in the morning and once in the evening. I will get my rear to the gym at least 2x this week too.

 
 

This is it. It is official. I can't put it off anymore. I have to grow up, right now, and get some self discipline. I have to get this weight off, stick to going to the gym regularly and kissing my high carbs goodbye. I don't want to just treat blood sugar with meds (and god forbid insulin one day) because i know high sugar is really just a symptom of the underlying problem- too much fat/glucose stores in my body and my body is sick of it and can't control it anymore. If I just use meds to treat my symptom, I won't be fixing the underlying problem and studies show that diabetics who manage their sugar still die earlier than everyone else on average who aren't diabetic.

 
 

I think i need a sponsor to call when thinking about buying sour candy straws [my favorite treat ever] or bread pudding. :)

 
 

thanks for letting me rant. and if you see yourself in me at all let me know how you are coping. I care and maybe we can encourage each other.

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