Tuesday, November 8, 2011

To Mom

I sent this letter to my mother today...

 I have been thinking a lot about Dad lately and our family. Mostly lately b/c I have noticed how much happier, calmer, peaceful and kinder you have become since Dad has died. At first I was really angry that you seemed to be doing so well without him and not very sad all the time in tears missing him. You seemed to be even better than when he was still here. :/ But I talked about it a lot with Jonathan and I think I see really for the first time that maybe Daddy was not always kind to you and maybe that the way Daddy treated you and talked about you in front of me was part of the reason you struggled so much. I mean you made your own mistakes and I'm not saying that it was all Dad's fault or that I can pretend you did everything right as a mom but maybe I see that Dad didn't really help you when you were struggling with problems and depression when I was growing up or even when I was an adult- instead he used them against you to make you feel bad. He would say bad things about you and from a young age he really turned me against you, making me think that everything was your fault and that he was the innocent party. But that isn't really true and I guess b/c I was always Daddy's little girl I never saw that. I practically worshiped Dad and believed everything he said.

So I wanted to say really I am sorry that I was unfair to you and always took Dad's side of things and made you out to be the bad guy. It must have hurt a lot to feel like we were ganging up against you. I love you and I'm sorry if I made you feel bad.
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